Many women when their pregnant always speak about how happy they are and how everything is perfect. Although I think it’s bull because nothing nor no one is perfect, there are a few women who truly are happy about their pregnancy and don’t struggle with the new life changes that are about to come. As for me I was a bit scared and I guess you could say depressed at times.
When I saw that the pregnancy test said “Pregnant” I cried because I was happy and we had wanted it and in that moment I didn’t think of everything that was going to change. My freedom of doing what I wanted when I wanted was going to alter. I had already seen people changing towards me. I wasn’t invited out as much as before, many people who I went out with were slowly disappearing and my appearance was changing. It’s a lot to deal with! I envied those women who walked around as if they were carrying around the golden ticket.
Now I never had an eating disorder, but I had image issues. I would skip meals or eat so much and feel ashamed. I had to be skinny even though I already was. I didn’t get huge during my pregnancy, but finding clothes that fit had become a daily task. The only good thing about gaining weight was that it went to my butt and thighs! For Spanish women that’s a good thing, haha.
I was lucky enough to have a man who made me feel like royalty. Even before I got pregnant he was amazing towards me so thankfully it continued on. It’s important to have someone there that will lift your spirits up and treat you like a goddess. Yes we carry a human being inside of us, but our partner also take on a burden as well. I was more moody as usual, nagged just a tad bit more (haha), snored like a hibernating bear, cried for no reason and had an issue with everything he did or said or didn’t say! Many of my “demands” were a bit ridiculous and outrageous. I couldn’t have any noise when I went to sleep or I was close to killing him. I snored which was okay, but when he snored and breathed I had the pillow over his head oops! My hormones were all out of whack what could I have done?
It’s important to not feel ashamed of your feelings their yours to feel and to speak freely on. What’s worse is keeping it in and not talking about it. I read an article on Just Mommies and they to state that many women feel this sort of depression for varies reasons and it’s more common than research shows. It’s very important to get help if it’s severe; therapist or medication may be a choice.
Besides all those changes I spoke to friends on how I didn’t feel a connection with the baby still after being nearly weeks away! Everyone said that once I held her I would feel that “connection” and I prayed I would. However, even when she was here I didn’t really feel it. I knew I loved her and she was mine, but something was missing. Maybe I wasn’t ready to be a mother?
I always blame my disconnect on me having had a Caesarean. It wasn’t by choice, but because my blood pressure was rising and her heart rate was dropping I could wait or it could turn into an emergency c-section. I had the epidural and they whisked me away to the operating room. They had drugged me up on so much medication I went in and out of consciousness. I was shaking so much as if I was in the north pole and wasn’t able to breathe too well because I was panicky. After about 10 minutes I heard her cry, I cried for joy and knocked out again. I wasn’t able to experience it at all so it felt like I didn’t go through labor and a baby who they said was mine was placed in my arms. I know she was mine, but you know what I mean. Unfortunately, we couldn’t record the delivery either so I have to rely on my baby book and memory to hold on for as long as I can.
I’m not the first to say that having a Caesarean makes the experience and bond different. When I told my story about something missing my old Supervisor stated that with her first child it too was a caesarean and with her second it was natural birth. She agreed that it was different and her bond was different. Everyone thought I was crazy for saying it, but I had someone who finally understood what I was going through.
Life has changed and as cliché as it sounds my life has a new purpose. I do miss my old life and catch myself reminiscing about the old me and I can still have parts of my old life back. Just because I have a child doesn’t mean life has to stop which is something I have to remember. I am in love with Ziana and obsessed with her, but I can’t help but wonder what it would’ve felt like if I actually did the hard work to bring her into this world.