Second Pregnancy…

When I first heard that Jessica Simpson was pregnant with her second child just 7-months after the birth of her first child I bluntly said, “what an idiot!” Then I remembered well she’s not the average middle-class American so I took my statement back– sort of. I also thought it wasn’t fair for her first child to now share mommy and daddy with another baby.

I strongly believe babies should be at least a year apart if not two so each baby could have that quality time with mommy and daddy– alone. Also the pressure of now being a mother to two kids and going through all the hormones again is exhausting! One might think it’s better to get it out the way, but that fast is just too much to deal with. There are some women who can deal with it because that’s basically their “calling,” yet others would love the thought of having a huge family, but it’s just not for them. I know which branch I fall under– so I think.

You have to realize that although the first pregnancy wasn’t that bad, this one will be very exhausting because you already have a baby who can’t take care of themselves so they are the priority over you. During the first pregnancy you took time to care for yourself that’s not going to happen this time around. I can just see being stressed out to the max, going crazy with not sleeping and feeling lethargic all the time, but nope sleeping is out of the question because you have another baby who wants to crawl everywhere, stand up and do baby things.

Now I have a dilemma of my own. I have Ziana who’s 8-months-old and have to deal with my wandering mind as to whether I’m pregnant again. I sure put my foot in my big mouth, haha. Would I even be ready for another little one? Absolutely not and I can’t help but to think that if I am I’d go down that slope of depression. It’s just not what I’m ready for now being a mom to two little ones under the age of 2 isn’t my “calling.”

And if my wandering mind wasn’t enough I had three “coincidences” (if that even exists) on Monday– first, my friend spoke about how all her friends were pregnant, second, my other friend tells me she had a miscarriage the week before and thirdly, my cousin tells me she’s pregnant! Are these signs? Whether I am and my feelings about keeping it? I sure think so. I think it’s just making me think of what my true feelings are if I am.

I don’t think I am pregnant (hopefully) because I also need to take into consideration that my diet has changed completely– no beef, no whites, so perhaps this plays a part in my menstrual cycle trying to get back on track. Sure I could get an abortion I guess, but I think that would ruin my spirit. How could I do that knowing that I have a child already and I see how wonderful she is? Then living with regret when I see a child close to that child I could have had will be dreadfully painful. Of course my friend’s miscarriage made me feel horrible as well and I realized how many women want so badly to have another kid or a kid and have a hard time conceiving. I remember seeing a photo of Ziana when she was 11 weeks in the womb and was amazed. Many people like to argue as to whether or not a fetus is actually a human. I was always in the middle with it, but when I saw her head, arms, legs, torso and heard the heart beat on top of that I was convinced that even a fetus was a human.

How can one argue giving up on this?

Then I think about my nephew who wasn’t planned either and imagine if my brother and sister-in-law had decided to not have him? There would be no Caleb, I wouldn’t have a nephew! It’s scary to think of that.

Sure this baby that I may be carrying could be a blessing in disguise, but reality sinks in and says it’s going to be hard work (sigh). My only wish right now is that I’m not and God has heard my prayers because boy have I been praying I’m not every day and night. If I am, I’m sure there is a purpose and God knows I can deal with this.

Of course I can get a pregnancy test and bring all these thoughts to an end, but I’m scared to find out. Yes, I know I’m torturing myself. Well lets see what happens I will update you all when I find out whats going on!